When “The Chris Show” launched 10 days ago, I promised my viewers I’d interview celebrities from time to time. Tonight, my first celebrity guest: Andrew, my partner of the past eight years, with whom I just chatted on Facebook.

Andrew: Hi.

Chris: Hi dear. Welcome to my show.

Andrew: Thanks. It’s a pleasure to be here.

Chris: Yes, it is. You should feel privileged to be my first guest.

Andrew: Charmed I’m sure.

Chris: Indeed.

Chris: So let’s talk about you.

Chris: What do YOU think of ME?

Andrew: I think you are amazing.

Andrew: I think you also just knocked a coaster on the floor.

Chris: Yes, I did.

Chris: My wine glass stuck to the coaster when I picked it up.

Andrew: Your wine glass is empty; let me refill it.

Chris: This is the best interview ever.

Chris: I can’t recall anyone pouring Johnny Carson a drink on his show.

Chris: Back to me. What makes me so amazing?

Andrew: Nobody is going to want to read this.

Chris: I disagree. My fans will love it.

Chris: Tell me why you love me.

Chris: Wow. You’re actually thinking about this.

Andrew: You are very sweet and always do the right thing.

Andrew: You make me happy everyday.

Chris: Yes, that is true.

Andrew: Are we going to talk about me now?

Chris: Fine.

Chris: Tell me something about you I don’t know.

Andrew: That’s hard, let me think.

Chris: If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

Andrew: Douglas fir.

Chris: Don’t you think the American people deserve an apology?

Andrew: Don’t you want to know why I chose Douglas fir?

Chris: (I’m asking famous interview questions. The last one is from the Frost/Nixon interview.)

Chris: Yes.

Chris: Why a Douglas Fir?

Chris: Wow, you’re typing a lot.

Chris: Seriously. Are you writing a book over there?

Andrew: Douglas fir is the most common tree in NW Oregon. When you see really pretty green forests around Portland they are mostly Doug Fir. We had 10 or so in my backyard. They are very tall, always green, smell great, and have cool cones. They are quite beatiful.

Chris: Well I see why you chose it.

Chris: You have great cones.

Andrew: Thanks!

Chris: Do you have any funny anecdotes for my viewers?

Andrew: About anything in particular?

Chris: If you have to ask you must not have any.

Chris: Next topic.

Andrew: This isn’t a very good interview.

Chris: We should be talking about me.

Andrew: You know I interview people professionally. I would definitely have follow-up questions ready.

Chris: Well pin a rose on your nose.

Chris: You know, I interviewed Diane Rehm once and she told me I was a spectacular interviewer.

Andrew: Don’t you hate it when people misspell “definitely” as “definately?”

Andrew: Why don’t you ask me something you asked DIane?

Chris: OK.

Chris: “How do you and your husband keep the sex so hot?”

Andrew: You DID NOT ask her that.

Chris: That’s true.

Andrew: Let’s talk about my pet peeves

Chris: Oh dear.

Chris: I fear I’m going to figure into this.

Andrew: 1) Nonmoving people in the way on the Metro escalator when the train is RIGHT THERE.

Chris: Oh I hate that.

Andrew: 2) People who misspell “definitely” as “definately”

Chris: This seems to be a real hangup for you.

Andrew: 3) Strollers. When I was a kid they were fold-up things designed to take up as little space as possible. Now they are tanks and REALLY annoying.

Chris: Oh my God. That is so true.

Andrew: 4) People on their cell phone when they should be prepared to talk to someone else such as a) a store clerk, b) a co-worker, c) me.

Chris: Wait.

Andrew: 5) Customer service people who sound like they are reading from a script.

Chris: Is that directed at me?

Chris: Hold on.

Chris: My mom’s calling.

Chris: OK.

Chris: Back.

Andrew: No, it is not directed at you. I don’t think it’s a problem for you.

Chris: Phew!

Andrew: We’re not going into the home pet peeves list.

Chris: Yes, let’s save that for a sweeps episode.

Chris: OK, I think it’s time to bring this conversation to a close.

Andrew: Really? We haven’t even talked about anything interesting. Like books, movies, the Grammy Awards.

Chris: I promise I’ll bring you back soon.

Andrew: What I think will top the UK singles chart tomorrow…

Chris: This wine is going to my head.

Andrew: “Run” by Leona Lewis. See, you didn’t even have to ask.

Chris: Don’t you have your own blog?

Andrew:  Yes wwadh.blogspot.com

Chris: There, you got your plug in.

Chris: OK, thanks for being my first guest.

Chris: Let’s do this again soon!

Andrew: Thank you!

Andrew: Yes lets

Chris: Later, gator.

Andrew: Ciao