On the occasion of our having put up our Christmas tree this weekend, and it’s pretty fucking spectacular.

pig1. The Pig, 2000. Andrew gave me this ornament during our first Christmas together, beginning an annual tradition. I was heavier back then. Was he trying to tell me something?











2. The Pickle, 2001. I like this one because it reminds me of a penis, but if ever my penis turns this color, don’t bother calling a doctor. Just shoot me.










monkey3. The Monkey, 2002. This one wouldn’t cooperate when I tried to photograph it, so I had to hold it in place. Those sexy fingers you see are mine.










car4. The Yellow Car, 2003. I was still driving that awful Ford Explorer when Andrew gave me this one. I was hoping he’d give me a real car for Christmas, but I guess this was pretty sweet, too.










reindeer5. The Silver Reindeer, 2004. So agile! So graceful! Just like me.











nutcracker6. The Nutcracker, 2005. … Because we don’t have enough nutcrackers in our house at Christmastime. (Kidding!)










santa-holding-a-c7. The Santa Holding a “C,” 2006. It’s actually supposed to be a wreath, but Andrew manipulated it so it looks like my first initial. “C” is also the first letter in something else we both love … cookies! (Get your minds out of the gutter, people.)









mirrored-starburst18. The Mirrored Starburst, 2007. Last year’s ornament. It fits with our retro modern living room décor. I won’t get this year’s until Christmas morning, as is tradition. What will it be?









Here are a few more ornaments from our tree:



buckle-ball* Santa Buckle Balls. I love balls. I like circular Christmas ornaments, too. We purchased a lot of these at a national home furnishings retailer. I’m not going to tell you which one because I know you’ll just go out and buy some and try to copy my tree.









coke-santa* Santa Holding a Bottle of Coke. After I uploaded this photo to my laptop, I realized it was blurry. I suppose I could take another one, but frankly I’m too lazy to do it, so take my word for it: This one’s cute.









disco-ball* Mirrored Disco Ball. My friend Angela, who never calls me anymore, gave me this one during my first Christmas in D.C., in 1999. I hope the next time she gazes upon it she sees the guilt that must be written on her face for ignoring me.









dancing-clown* Dancing Clowns. I have five or six of these, and I love them all. I’ve always suspected Andrew isn’t as fond of them as me, which is probably why I found them hanging on the back of the tree this year.









senorita* The Senorita. She’s a new addition to the tree this year. Isn’t she pretty? Of course, if she really wanted to win my heart, she’d put down that fuzzy muffler and pick up a tray of fajitas.