On the occasion of my ordering a tuna salad sandwich at Chadwick’s in Friendship Heights this afternoon and living to tell the tale.

5. “Never order tuna salad at a restaurant. The mayonnaise may be spoiled, and after you eat it you could die.”

4. “Never write on your skin with an ink pen. You could get ink poisoning and die.”

3. “Never eat at a Chinese restaurant. You could wind up eating cat meat and die.”

2. “Never hold yourself when you have to pee. It could stunt your growth like it did Gary Coleman, or you could damage your kidneys and die.”

1. “Never move to D.C. It’s too dangerous. You could get shot on your way to the grocery store and die.”